What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
