I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
