don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I am one with the molecules
Randomize
