My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize