My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
