i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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