he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
