dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
