just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
