Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
