I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
