Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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