fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
ttyl tear gas
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
