please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
