So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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