im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
