I think i sorta joined a cult last night
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
