Only a mothe r could love this liver
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
