I met the friendliest cop last night
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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