dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Vodka?
Forever.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
