after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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