For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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