I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
