im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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