If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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