I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
