i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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