Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
