Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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