i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
