this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
