i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
