Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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