One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
