if you like me you must not know who I am
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Sorry my hands just texted you
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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