Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
she smelled like a LAN party
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
