Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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