I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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