I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
