Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
