I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
