Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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