morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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