My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
