I am puke
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If I die, sorry about rent.
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