I think scott just propositioned me for sex
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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