i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
