Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
