did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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