He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
