I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize