The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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