I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
