i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
