i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
