I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
