just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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