he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
A+ Viking dick
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
