So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
