I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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