T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
