just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
