Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize